In this dream, I found out that heaven and earth are actually only separated by a small wall of snow. All you have to do is jump over and there you go, eternal peace. But of course it all went wrong. Read about it after the jump if you can be bothered.
So I got together with someone else to try sneaking into heaven. There were tons of other people there, really it was like the Covent Garden tube station during peak hour, impossible. Everyone was trying to jump over this tiny tiny wall of snow, which for some reason was exceedingly difficult. Some guys got sidetracked and started snowball fights instead — this is exactly the kind of people who shall never suceed in life.
Anyway, my illegal heaven immigration partner and I were a focused team. Behind the little wall, I must say heaven didn’t look so interesting, it was all snow and no angels. I raised a leg over the snow wall — and was yanked right back by a police officer.
“No jumping over the snow wall allowed!” he growled and threw me off to the side. I tumbled down the snow onto a mysterious set of escalators, going down of course. I raised my arms to my illegal immigration partner, but that melonhead did nothing to help, only said very matter-of-factly, “You’re going to hell now.”
And so I was. A pair of industrial doors opened for me at the bottom of the escalators and I was spat inside. Hell was warm but unexpected: an airport. Flughafen Endlos. It wasn’t even very crowded, and except for a coupel of potty-mouth wanderers and endless boredom, there weren’t that many nuissances in this hellish airport. I met a couple of friends here and we looked around for a while, browsed the shops and had vegan doughnuts and coffee. Nice to know Beelzebub caters to vegans, by the way, I hadn’t thought him the type.
Eventually we found out that things were even better than we thought: there were occasional flights out of hell and anyone was free to board. The catch? They were only announced one minute before take off. At the opposite end of the airport. Did I tell you this was a big airport? It was huge.
A flight was announced. 1:00 to take off. To hell with it, we were gonna try! We dashed. I hadn’t run this fast since the epic 2004 Run For Re-Invention Tour Tickets. I ran, my friends ran, we all ran ran ran. 0:25 to take off. We ran ran ran. We could see the boarding doors now! 0:15 to take off. They were right in front of us! 0:05 to take off. Three kids came out of the blue. No biggie, we could all board. 0:01. We made it! As we squeezed between the doors, all of us at once, eager, one of the goddamn kids elbowed us with the strength of Goliath. We fell in a pile. The kids went in. 0:00. Time’s up. The doors closed right in our faces. We didn’t make it.
I yelled a thing or two at the kids, but they payed no attention. Beyond the see-through boarding doors, a computer voice was quizzing them. Like the Sphynx but with HAL 9000’s younger brother instead. The kids looked so confused, obviously they didn’t know teh answer and are not allowed to board — surprise, the Devil didn’t give us all the rules upfront!
“I know the answer! I shout at them. It’s a lie, but you’re allowed to lie when you’re in hell. Now they’re gonna be stuck in there for hours, miss the plane and/or be eaten by HAL’s brother, and I am about to wake up anyway. Take that, you cheating imps.